holidays

It wasn’t the holiday I expected this year… no one in my family really got one. My Grandma Dee passed away on December 27th. Christmas day was spent in the hospital and the days that followed were spent trying to be strong for my mom and be there as much as I could be. We stayed at my sister’s house in Philly and returned home on December 30th. My dad brought in some take-out tonight and he, my mom, and I sat around the table (Marfa at my feet) and my mom said, “Where did this ‘break’ go? It’s been a blur.” And it was.

Grandma’s service was December 29th, the same day as she and my grandpa’s 62nd wedding anniversary. It snowed hard that day and between the anniversary date, the way their house sat in the woods covered in white powder, and the look in Pa’s eyes, it was one of the worst days of my life.

To be honest, I’m taking this a lot harder than I might have imagined. Seeing her laying in the hospital, watching as a little sponge gave her some last drops of water… the drip of meds to keep her comfortable after life support was disconnected… it shook me to my core. Even now, I can’t type the things I want to type, formulate the sentences I thought I’d be able to. It just makes me question everything in my life. Like everything; my family, my friends, my career, if I’m happy, how I’m coping with something much deeper going on in my life… nothing seems worth it anymore and things just doesn’t seem worth going back to.

As the new year approaches (and trust me, I’ve been HATING 2012 since January 2nd) I’m not as excited as I thought I’d be about 2013. I usually go into the 31st with a positive attitude but this go ’round, I’m more depressed and lost than ever. I’m dreading going back to Lewisburg, work, and being forced back to my life. If I could I’d stay in bed forever.

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